


Mother Knows Best

by TBe76



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: First Time, M/M, Pon Farr, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-18 02:42:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21770464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TBe76/pseuds/TBe76
Summary: Songfic.  Songs that always made me think of K/S even though they’re not normally the type  of songs people do fics about. All lyrics are from Barbara Streisand’s Yentyl. And Amanda/Sarek the primary fuse to finish the sparks. Of course, this pays homage to Jane Wyatt being both Amanda in Star Trek and the female co-star in the TV show “Father Knows Best.”
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 4
Kudos: 53





	Mother Knows Best

The last few weeks had been, to say the least, difficult for Spock. His aborted  pon farr , the end of his betrothal to  T’Pring and her hurtful betrayal had been the beginning of a tough time. Amazingly, the sight of Kirk’s body going limp as Spock tightened the  ahn’woon around his neck had ended every feeling in his body. His persistent erection that had bothered him for days vanished and all he saw was his best friend’s lifeless body falling under his hand. 

He owed McCoy more than he could ever repay for his clever ruse, and he had spent countless nights deep in meditation blocking feelings and emotions that he really did not have words for. 

Spock thought he had regained mastery and control , u ntil Kirk got a message from Earth and disappeared to his quarters only telling Spock that he had the conn. Kirk had been in his quarters for over four hours. And Spock could not explain it, but in those past four hours his abdomen felt queasy and he felt emotions flowing through him that he knew were not his. He knew, deep down, that they were Kirk’s. But he did not know how he could feel them so strongly. And he didn’t know if he had the right to ask him about the feelings, when by normal standards he should not even know Kirk was experiencing distress. 

Finally, shift was over and he went to Kirk’s quarters and pressed the buzzer. There was no answer. He was quite sure that Kirk was awake. The fact that he knew that made him realize there was more of a link than there should be. He buzzed the door three more times. For some reason he could not make himself walk away. He buzzed a fifth time and this time his Vulcan hearing could catch the muttered “shit” as Kirk came to the door. Kirk’s face was swollen. He’d been crying, Spock realized. “What is so urgent?” Kirk asked with an unusual gruffness.

Spock froze. He did not know what to say. He knew he could not say “I see you’ve been crying.” He felt lost. Emotions were not his strong suit. 

“You.” He finally said simply.

Kirk blinked. “Huh?”

Spock realized they were still in the doorway of Kirk’s quarters. “May I come in?”

For a moment he was sure Kirk was thinking of telling him no. That thought hurt him in a way similar to the emotional pain he was sharing from Kirk. The human’s pain was leaking out. It was even worse being in close proximity to him. But Kirk finally gestured for him to come in and he stood just past the closing door, not sure that Kirk would actually let him stay but a moment.

Kirk sat down at his desk and poured himself a drink. Saurian brandy by the smell, Spock decided. And by the tremble in Kirk’s hand it was not the first drink.

“Is the bad news from  Starfleet or personal?” Spock asked with a boldness that took even himself by surprise.

Kirk looked up and set the freshly emptied glass back on his desk. “That obvious, huh?”

Spock shrugged slightly. 

Kirk looked back down at the empty glass and picked it up, peering in it as if there would be something of importance hidden at the bottom.

“Everyone I’ve ever loved dies.”

Spock did not know what to  say , s o he stayed quiet.

“My mom died. I’m an orphan now.”

For some reason this seemed to relieve Spock. He did not really know why , but  when Kirk had started to talk about people he loved, he began to expect a conversation about a pretty blonde-haired lady.

Spock said simply, “I grieve with thee.” It was all that Vulcan tradition would allow him to say. He instantly realized it was not enough. The emotions radiating off of Kirk were overwhelming him. He tightened his mental shields trying to maintain his own thought process.

“I am sorry I never got a chance to meet your mother. I would have liked the opportunity to tell her...” he paused unsure what his brain had meant to say he wanted to tell her. It was a most  un- Vulcan - like feeling and the loss of control startled him.

Kirk did not seem to notice or hear Spock. He continued to stare at the glass in his hand. “I have to go back to Earth for the funeral. Peter has no one left now.”

Spock remembered Kirk’s nephew and for a moment he winced in remembered pain at the  Denevan creatures that he and Peter had both been victims of.

“May I accompany you?” he asked.

Kirk stared at him. “Why would you want to?”

Spock did not know how to answer for a moment. “To be there for you. And for Peter. He and I both shared an ordeal in sickbay a couple of years ago. Perhaps that will mean something to him.”

He watched as his normally stoic captain tried desperately to blink back tears before they fell. Kirk swallowed hard and bent his head down. “Thanks. That means a lot.  Starfleet has said I can just put the Enterprise in early for upgrades. We were supposed to have three weeks off sometimes in the next six months. We’ll just move it up.”

Spock nodded. He got the impression that Kirk expected him to leave. He didn’t know if he wanted to leave or if he wanted to stay. His own emotions felt out of control and he was still picking up on wave after wave of emotions from Kirk. 

“Jim,” he started, even though he didn’t know how he intended to finish his sentence.

Kirk seemed not to hear. “I need to be alone now.”

Spock got up and walked to the door. He could not explain the sense of unease and pain in his mind and in his abdomen. It was illogical to have such discomfort from emotions. But he knew that was the source of his pain.

He said nothing more and returned to his quarters and meditated. It took him six tries to get his mind to focus on the most basic of Vulcan meditation sequences started, even though most Vulcans master that level by 5 or 6 years of age.  Finally , he succeeded.

Kirk did not come to breakfast and when he had not showed up for morning shift, Spock decided to let McCoy take a turn. He buzzed sickbay and asked the doctor to check on the captain and informed him that Kirk’s mother had passed away.

Hours passed and there was no update from either McCoy or Kirk. Spock felt a growing sense of unease that he could not identify. When Uhura said there was an urgent comm u n i que for the captain he began to feel that he had experienced what humans call a premonition. He buzzed the captain’s quarters but there was still no response.

He told Uhura he would take the message in briefing room 3. When he got there, he had her patch the caller through. It was a Starfleet secretary whose name he did not know. But their expression was one of sympathy. “Commander Spock, we have an urgent message for Captain Kirk.”   
  
“The captain is grieving at the moment. May I be of service?”

The secretary’s face fell. “Captain Kirk’s nephew was just killed in a shuttle accident off of  Relinor IV. I’m sorry.”

Spock felt a sense of fear within him. How had he known the communication was what humans would call bad news?

“I will inform hi m, “ he said flatly and cut the connection. He headed to the captain’s quarters and overrode the lock without thinking.

McCoy and Kirk were both sitting together on the floor in Kirk’s quarters. Alcohol bottles lay scattered around and both looked at him with shock at his obvious intrusion. Spock froze. He didn’t know what to do or what to say. Without much thought process the truth poured out of him. “I regret to inform you that Peter is dead. He died in a shuttle accident.”

McCoy’s eyes went wide but Kirk did not react and for a moment Spock thought he hadn’t heard him. Then Kirk let out a sob that startled Spock with its intensity. And then Kirk laughed. It was a loud twisted laugh. “You see, Spock. I told you everyone I’ve ever loved dies.”

Spock did not know how to reply. The words just seem to come to him. “Everyone dies sometime, Jim.”

Kirk snorted. “I seem to have the power to make sure they die young.”

McCoy tried to reason with him. “Now, Jim--”

But Kirk cut him off. “You both better go. You’re the last two people in the universe left. She’ll get you too.”

McCoy began again. “Now you’re talking crazy---”

“Get out!” Kirk screamed with such emotion that both McCoy and Spock left his quarters. When the door closed behind  them , they stared looking at each other in shock. Spock could hear Kirk’s sobs and the sound of glass breaking. He froze, wanting to turn back, but McCoy shook his head. “Let him get it out of his system.”

McCoy took Kirk off duty. The Enterprise still was headed back to  Starfleet for  maintena n ce and updates. The crew was excited about 3 weeks of shore leave. But they were also very aware that their captain was absent.

Spock stayed out of Kirk’s way and checked in with McCoy daily who advised him to just give Jim more time. On the f ourth day Spock could not stand it anymore. He did not know how to explain to McCoy that Kirk’s emotions seemed to bleed into Spock or how the pain in his abdomen would not let up. Spock was certain that the pain was Kirk’s and not his. But he did not know what to do with the information. 

He buzzed at Kirk’s door, and he was not surprised when there was no answer. With a lack of hesitation that seemed to surprise even himself, he palmed an override and went in. Kirk was asleep. He was sprawled diagonally over his bed. His head was only partially supported by the mattress and it was evident to Spock that when Kirk awoke his neck would be very sore. With the utmost care, he gently moved Kirk fully onto the bed. Spock could smell the alcohol on the captain’s breath. Kirk stirred slightly and one of his hands touched Spock’s arm as he repositioned him. The contact brought a rush of emotions flooding into Spock. It was so intense he had to step back and catch his breath. He couldn’t identify all of them. It was too much. He wanted to run away. And then he wanted to take Kirk in his arms and hold him. He froze. There were too many emotions and he knew that some of them were his own. For a long moment he could not move. Finally , he pulled a chair over and sat down next to the bed where Kirk lay. He tucked covers over Kirk and sat himself in the chair and began a meditation routine.

He awoke to someone saying his name. Kirk was crying his name in his sleep. Crying over and over again , “Spock, Spock, Spock. Please. Oh God, I’m so sorry. Spock--”

Spock gathered Kirk in his arms. “Jim, wake up.”

For a moment there was no response. Then Kirk woke up startled. He stared at Spock and for the first time in nearly a week Spock saw the trace of his friend. “Spock! You’re okay!” The light in Kirk’s eye and his smile were a reward. But then Kirk’s mood changed instantly and he backed away. “What are you doing here? Who is it this time?”

It took Spock a minute to realize what Kirk meant. “No one. I just--” Spock found himself at a loss for words. “I was worried about you. I could hear you call my name.”

“From how far away?” Kirk asked. Suddenly Spock froze.  He answered evasively,  “I have somehow been sensing your pain--”

The human gave him a strange look. “You can feel what I’m feeling?”

“To some extent,” Spock said truthfully.

Kirk sat down on the bed. “I’m sorry.”

Spock looked at him not sure what he wanted to say or how to identify anything. “Would you do me a favor?”

Kirk nodded. “Of course. You know I’d do anything for you.”

Spock was reassured by the pledge of friendship. “Spend the next few weeks with me on Vulcan.”

Kirk laughed softly. “Spock, no offense. But that place sucks the life out of me. The higher gravity. The sand. The heat. The--” he trailed off and his hand seemed to uncon s ciously trace his neck. Spock saw the ah n ’woon around it and dipped his head in shame.

Kirk must have picked up on his emotions. “It wasn’t your fault.” Kirk’s mood improved markedly. “You know what. Vulcan sounds like a good change of pace. It’s not like I can run into old friends who will drown me in pity there.”

Spock let his eyes smile slightly. “My mother can be overly emotional,” he warned. 

Kirk’s gaze met his and there was a warmth there that made the pain that had been present in Spock’s abdomen recede.

“I’ll see you in the morning at breakfast?” Spock asked hopefully.

“Sure,” Kirk said, seeming more his usual self.

Spock left and went to his quarters. He did not understand the hope and anticipation he was sensing in himself. Was it his? Was it Kirk’s? Or was it both of theirs?

He decided he should call his mother to let her know he’d be coming home and that he’d be bringing company. He was shocked when her face lit up so much when he said he was bringing his friend, Captain Kirk. She said “That’ll be wonderful,” and he was certain she must have misunderstood him.

“His mother and nephew, his sole surviving family have just died.”

“Well, that’s not wonderful, silly. I mean it’s wonderful that he’s agreed to come home with you.”

Spock did not understand why his mother was so jubilant but knew that it had been many years since he’d been home.  _ She must be happy that I’m coming home _ , he rationalized.

The next few days passed uneventfully. Kirk returned to duty and in the evenings he and Spock played chess. Spock found it harder and harder to think about anything other than their chess games. There was not much to do on the way back to  Starfleet . There was certainly nothing important from a  scientific perspective and the day seemed to drag slowly. Occasionally he would turn around from the science station, feeling as if he was being watched. Kirk would always smile at him. Spock would raise a brow and turn back to his console, unable to identify the feeling the smile induced in him.

His  concentration seemed to be failing even in the evenings and on the third night when Kirk had beaten him at chess, Kirk mentioned it. “You seem distracted. I don’t think I’ve ever beaten you three nights in a row.”

Spock realized that Kirk was right. “The days are different with so little to do on the way back to port.”

Kirk nodded. “I know. My mind has been wandering and I have to keep thinking of something else. Too easy to get  preoccupied .”

“Only one more day until drydock. My mother insisted upon sending a shuttle so we will not have to take mass transportation to Vulcan.”   


“That must be expensive,” Kirk sounded concerned.

“I’m quite sure it is included in the perks of my father’s ambassador status,” Spock reassured.

“Well, then, that sounds nice. Sometimes those regular shuttles can be a bit crowded.”

The Enterprise docked and Kirk left the upgrade and maintenance in Scotty’s capable hands. When he met Spock at the reserved shuttle, Spock noted he had a small duffel bag and appeared in jeans and a light green t-shirt that made his eyes stand out. For some reason, Spock could not stop looking at his eyes and when Kirk raised both of his brows at him, Spock blinked feeling a slight flush to his skin. He quickly recited a Ka ii dth mantra and felt his usual austere expression settle in.

They did not speak the whole shuttle ride. Kirk seemed lost in thought and every time Spock considered speaking, the words he planned to say seemed awkward so he remained silent. He began to worry about how his father would be towards himself. At least his mother had seemed happy that he was coming home. 

They arrived at his parent’s home and he was surprised, but relieved when only Amanda was present.    
She was smiling intensely and for a moment he was sure she was going to embarrass him by hugging him, but she clasped her hands carefully together in front of herself instead. “Spock. It’s so good to see you. And Captain Kirk. It is good to see you even though I know the circumstances are not good. Vulcans will tell you ‘I grieve with thee.’ And I do. But I have also lost both my parents and I never had siblings. I can empathize with you if you ever just want to talk and yell at the universe.”

Spock watched as his friend smiled under Amanda’s compassionate care and felt a surge of emotion that he could not  identify and he was not sure if it was his or Kirk’s. These new-found emotions were becoming more common and more problematic. He focused on his breathing and regained a sense of control only to realize he had missed whatever his mother’s last few sentences had been.

“Spock? Are you okay?” she asked worriedly.

“My apologies, Mother. I was momentarily preoccupied. You were saying?”

“Well come on in! I was asking you to show Captain Kirk to the guest bedroom.” The way she was looking at him made him think she expected him to refuse, but he could not understand why she expected him to refuse.

Kirk was speaking to her. “Please call me Jim.”

Amanda nodded. “Only if you lay off on the Lady Amanda! How about just Amanda, ok?”

Kirk smiled back at her. “Sure.”

Spock began to walk towards the guest bedroom and Kirk followed him. Amanda headed towards the kitchen.

As Kirk sat his duffel bag on the bed ,  he looked at Spock. There was a look in his eye that Spock did not know how to interpret and he felt a strange rush in his solar plexus that he could not process. He raised a brow quizzically and Kirk’s gaze shifted to the floor. “Sorry, I don’t know what’s come over me.”

Spock could not understand what Kirk was apologizing for. “There is no offense,” he said truthfully.    
“Do you need to return to Earth for anything before the Enterprise is ready?”

Kirk shook his head. “No, I’m not up to going home now. I’ve got two great aunts that will have to handle everything. I’m not up to going now.”   


Spock noted the change in his demeanor and the dejected slouch of Kirk’s shoulders. “Then we have time for me to give you a detailed tour of Vulcan.”

Kirk looked back at him and there was a faint smile. “Alright. But no crazy rituals, okay?”

Spock wasn’t sure if Kirk was teasing him or if he truly thought Kirk would expect him to allow any recurrence of their last trip to his home planet. “No, Jim. No crazy rituals. Would you like to tour the Vulcan Science Academy tomorrow?”

Kirk nodded. “That sounds fine.”

Spock headed back towards the main part of the house and Kirk followed. As he headed into the  kitchen , he felt a sense of nostalgia and remembered his childhood. Mixtures of the pain and hurt he had experienced as he was teased by his peers for being half-human, the sympathy and love in his mother’s eyes, the apparent disappointment he so frequently saw in his father’s eyes all rushed together and seemed to weigh him down. He was not used to dealing with so much emotion at once and it seemed that for the past week he had experienced more emotions than he had in the whole prior year.

Amanda was making tea and she smiled at both of them when they walked in. “Jim, do you like Vulcan tea?”

Kirk shrugged. “ Honestly, I’ve never had it.”

The way Amanda tilted her head made Spock think she was surprised by this.

“Well, would you like to try it? I’ll be honest I still like to add a bit of sugar to it.”

“Sure. But if you need sugar with it, I probably will too.”

She poured them both cups and placed her porcelain sugar bowl at the table where Kirk had sat down. Spock sat down unable to identify the expression on her mother’s face. He did not think he had ever seen it before. It seemed odd to see such blatant emotion on her face without any clue to what the source was. He began to wonder where his father was.

“Is Father coming home?” he asked.

“He should be back this evening. He’s been gone for three days,” she said. “He never lets me accompany him to  Elarus XIII after what happened to the  Tellarite ambassador’s wife.”

Kirk frowned. “ Elarus XIII? It’s not ringing a bell.”

Spock reminded him. “A rather primitive planet that has just developed  interstellar flight. They are extremely patriarchal and the females of the species are seen as nothing more than property. The  Tellarite ambassador’s wife was brutally raped while her husband was in a meeting.”

Kirk nodded. “I see why the Ambassador did not take you.”

Amanda smiled. “It’s just as well. I was more worried that  Sarek would get in a fight with one of them than anything.”

Spock watched as Amanda’s eyes lit up when she spoke about his father. Had she always cared so much about Sarek? How had he missed the affection radiating from her? He’d never noticed it as a child. The time on the Enterprise when she’d slapped him and told her that if he did not help save Sarek she would hate him for the rest of his life rose to his mind and he had touched his cheek without meaning to. Amanda’s eyes met his and he was quite certain that  somehow , she knew exactly what he’d been thinking.

“I’m sorry,” she said softly. He felt Kirk’s eyes on him. Kirk had realized that some unspoken communication had happened between Amanda and himself. “Mother, I--” he began, but she interrupted.   
  
“I’m sorry. And I’m worried. You don’t usually project like that. Are you okay?”

Spock was shocked. His mother had never picked up on his thoughts before that he knew. “You’re not a telepath, how can--?”

Amanda laid her hand on top of his. The rush of affection from her overwhelmed him. “You’re my son. And I’ve been bonded to your father for many years. I don’t know how I am picking up your feelings, but I am. I cannot hear your thoughts, but your emotions are projecting.”

He was very grateful his father was off-world. No doubt he would be disappointed in his son. Amanda squeezed his hand. “Stop that. He loves you.”

Spock was intensely aware of Kirk watching them. He felt a rush of  embarrassment and didn’t know what to say. But Amanda was still worried. “Spock, what is wrong with your mental shields?”

He shook his head. “I do not know. They do not function well either way lately.”

“The other day he could hear me call for him in a nightmare,” Kirk informed Amanda.

Amanda looked at Kirk and him in a peculiar way that Spock could not interpret her thoughts. But Kirk seemed to and Kirk blushed. “He was on duty,”  Kirk amended , as if that answered Amanda’s unspoken question.

For a moment Spock thought he should clarify that he had let himself into the captain’s quarters while the captain slept but he changed his mind and said nothing.

His mother seemed very worried. “Perhaps we should call a Healer.”

Spock shook his head. “Please don’t. I  evidentially must meditate more. If you’ll excuse me.” He stood up abruptly and left Kirk and his mother in the kitchen. He headed to his bedroom, which he had not stepped foot in for many years. His mother had left it as it was and it seemed odd to be back in his childhood home. His Vulcan hearing could make out the sound of Amanda and Kirk talking but he could not make out the specific words. He laid on his bed and tried to begin a simple meditation routine. However, he could not focus at all. His mother was right. Something was horribly wrong with his mind. He did not know what to do and he was afraid to see a Healer, even though a part of him reminded himself that such a fear was illogical.

As he lay still, he could now make out the two human’s conversation. 

“So how long do you think he’s been having problems?”   
  
“I feel like a lousy friend. I really didn’t notice. I’ve been pre-occupied with my own feelings.”   
  
“That’s not your fault. I was just wondering if it started before or if he started just picking up on your grief.”

“I didn’t notice anything...well, I don’t know. Everything’s been a little  crazy since we were last on Vulcan.” He could hear the hesitation in Kirk’s voice. “Do you know much of what happened about  a month ago?”

“ T’Pring betrayed my son and tried to get you killed. Honestly, after that I’m not sure what happened.”

Kirk laughed. “Dr McCoy saved the day. He slipped me a paralyzing agent instead of the  tri-ox compound he told T’Pau he was  administering . Made it look like Spock had killed me. That ended the whole thing.”

His mother’s query surprised him. “How?”   
  
Kirk seemed a tad confused too. “McCoy beamed me up while Spock and T’Pau thought I was dead. I guess the shock of killing me resolved things for Spock. We went back to work.”

Amanda sounded disbelieving. “Did you say that ended things?”

He could hear the concern in his captain’s voice. “Yes, did it not?”

His mother was silent for a very long time.

“Amanda, you act like I’m missing something.”

His mother’s voice was amused. “No, but I think I might be starting to put a puzzle together.” He could hear her push her chair back. “How about you come look at my rose garden. It is one of my crowning achievements to have been able to get roses to grow here on Vulcan.  Of course , my other crowning achievement is Spock.”

The pride in his mother’s voice was evident and as he heard the back door of the house  close , he wondered why he had not picked up on his mother’s emotions more easily before. Was she just more relaxed with Sarek being out of the house?

Spock realized that he could not meditate. He did not know what was wrong with him, but his mother was right. There was something wrong. He felt a sense of panic at the lack of control he was experiencing.

He lay on his bed trying to focus on his breath. On a spot on the wall. On anything. But his mind seemed determined to wander. The gnawing discomfort sensation had returned to his abdomen. For many of the past few days he was sure that it had been Kirk’s. But now he was not sure that this was not originating from within himself. His head was hurting and he had the irrational thought that if he was on the  Enterprise , he could ask McCoy for help. Why did he not want to trust a Vulcan healer? Perhaps because they would know he had lost his Vulcan control?

He was surprised when his mother came into his room. He tried to sit up, but she shook her head. “Lay down.” She sat at the edge of the bed next to him.

“Where’s Jim?” he asked.

“Relaxing in the garden.” She  paused ; her brow furrowed with concern. “You look like you’re in pain.”

Spock felt a sense of failure and  embarrassment . How could he not shield anything anymore? “A headache, that is all.”

Amanda looked at him with obvious disbelief. “No, that’s not all. I don’t know what it is, but there’s more than just a headache.” She paused. “Your father and I are very sorry for the mistake we made.”

“What mistake?” he asked.

“We should never have betrothed you to  T’Pring .  Certainly not at a young age. That bitch--” She blushed and Spock was shocked at the vulgarity his mother had used.

“Anyhow,” Amanda  continued ; a bit calmer. “We’re sorry.”

“I had assumed Father would have considered her decision to be yet another failure of my human half.”   
  
His mother’s voice was so full of emotion that it seemed to increase his own. “Spock, your father is not disappointed in you. He is so incredibly proud of you.”

Spock sat up and knew his brow had risen steeply. 

Amanda cut him off before he had a chance  to comment . “The only person who should be embarrassed by the ordeal is the two-timing  T’Pring . You’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve been a model student, a model Starfleet officer, and you have represented your family and both of your home planets with honor. Your father is very proud of you.”

Spock appreciated his mother’s words. Her expression changed to the look that he still could not decipher.

“Spock, I know you don’t want to talk about it, but are you sure your body has recovered from  pon farr ?”

“It ended quite suddenly. When I believed I had killed Jim, every symptom vanished.”

“That’s not how that usually ends. Are you sure you have no lingering  symptoms? ”

Spock thought he was seeing where Amanda was going with her questioning. “You believe my loss of mental shields is related to  pon farr ?”

“I thought it made the most sense. But I don’t know why your symptoms seemed to worsen when Kirk lost his mother.” She paused. “You’ve had to mind meld with him before in the line of duty?”

“Yes.”

HIs mother nodded but she looked deep in thought.

“Could you do me a very crazy favor?”   
Spock looked at his mother. She had never asked him for anything unusual before.

“What would you like me to do?”

She sat still on the bed next to him. “It’ll take me a minute to get it ready for you.”

His mother disappeared out of his room with a strange expression on her face. She returned about 10 minutes later with a disk. “It’s a playlist. There a re a few songs on there. They are old songs. Hundreds of years old. Do not look anything up about them. My great-grandmother used to say that in the Old Earth Bible it said that when words fail, one must use music. Please just listen to them and see what emotions they cause.” She must have noticed his expression. “Don’t tell me you don’t have them. You’re my son. You have emotions. Why, even your father has emotions! But I know you want your control back. Before you can control your emotions , you have to understand them, do you not?”

He nodded. “And right  now ,  there are some emotions you are experiencing that you cannot identify, right?”

Spock nodded again. “Okay then. Just listen to the songs and think about how they make you feel.”

She smiled at him and laid a hand on his shoulder for a moment. Her affection bled through the physical contact. But there was another emotion. And hope. Why was his mother so hopeful? 

Amanda closed the door behind her and Spock began to listen to the music.

The first song went: 

There's no chill, and, yet I shiver.   
There's no flame, and, yet I burn.   
I'm not sure what I'm afraid of,   
And, yet I'm trembling.   
  
There's no storm, yet I hear thunder,   
And I'm breathless; why, I wonder?   
Weak one moment,   
Then the next I'm fine.   
  
I feel as if I'm falling, ev'ry time   
I close my eyes.   
And flowing through my body   
Is a river of surprise.   
Feelings are awakening,   
I hardly recognize   
As mine!   
  
What are all these new sensations?   
What's the secret they reveal?   
I'm not sure I understand,   
But I like the way I feel.   
  
Oh, why is it that ev'ry time   
I close my eyes he's there?   
The water shining on his skin;   
The sunlight in his hair.   
And all the while I'm thinking things   
That I can never share   
With him.   
  
I'm a bundle of confusion.   
Yes, it has a strange appeal.   
Did it all begin with him   
And the way he makes me feel?   
I like the way he makes me feel.

Spock listened to the song in shock as he saw images of Kirk. He could see him smiling over a chess game. The fear in Kirk’s eyes when he realized Spock was hurt. The pain in Kirk’s voice when he thought he’d caused Spock to be permanently blind. It was as if every word in the song made him think of Jim. And suddenly he felt fear. But he could not identify where his fear arose from.

The next song came on. It sounded like it was by the same singer.

_Look at how she looks at me_   
_I can never look at her that way..._   
_Full of all the feelings and the soft_   
_Unspoken words that lovers say..._   
_In all the words, in all the books_   
_I wish there were a way to say that_   
_What she's taught me_   
_Isn't written anywhere_   
_And I'm supposed to be the one_   
_Who's wise..._   
_One thing is certain_   
_I can never be what she_   
_Expects of me..._   
_I've wanted the shadows_   
_I don't anymore_   
_No matter what happens_   
_I won't anymore_   
_I've run from the sunlight-_   
_Afraid it saw too much_   
_The moon had the one light_   
_I bathed in-_   
_I walked in_   
_I held in my feeling_ _s_   
_And closed every door_   
_No matter what happens_   
_I can't anymore_   
_There's someone who must hear_   
_The words I've never spoken_   
_Tonight_ _if he were here_   
_My silence would be broken_   
_I need him to touch me-_   
_To know the love that's in my heart-_   
_The same heart that tells me_   
_To see myself-_   
_To free myself-_   
_To be myself at last!_   
_For too many mornings_   
_The curtains were drawn_   
_It's time they were opened_   
_To welcome the dawn_   
_A voice deep inside_   
_Is getting stronger_   
_I can't keep it quiet any longer_   
_No matter what happens_   
_It can't be the same anymore..._   
_I promise it won't be the same_   
_Anymore!_

When the song first began the woman, his mind brought to view was Christine Chapel. But when the song switched to singing about a man, his mind brought up Jim again. Now there was a rush of emotion in his abdomen. And he felt a sense of shame as he experienced an erection. He was unaccustomed to so little control over his emotions, but now to experience the lack of control over his body again was beyond disturbing. His mother must have been right.  Pon Farr was not over. He felt a sense of panic. He was shaking with fear and did not know what to do. He paused the disk.

For a moment all he could see was Kirk’s smile. He could feel Kirk wrapping an arm around his shoulders on the bridge. Warmth flooded through him. His erection pressed firmly against the waistband of his briefs. A part of his mind said he should feel shame. But another part of his mind suddenly visualized Kirk kissing him. He let out a cry without meaning to.

He had not realized how loud he must have been until both Amanda and Kirk came running into his room. Kirk took a few seconds to arrive after Amanda. Spock could see the worry and concern on both their faces. He was not sure what was visible to them. His erection felt like it was there for all to see even though he was fully clothed. He was aware that sweat was dripping down his face. 

“Let me call a Healer,” Amanda cried almost the same moment Kirk said “Let me get Bones.”

Spock shook his head. He didn’t want to see anyone. “Leave me be,” he said , more weakly than he would have liked to sound. “I need to be alone.”

Kirk shook his head. “Yeah, about as much as I needed to be alone after I got the news Mom was dead. And Peter. You didn’t let me be alone, and I’m not going--”   


“Please,” Spock begged, acutely aware that he was begging. “Mother, please, take him out of here.”

Amanda looked at Spock with a sad smile. “I’ll give you a choice. He stays with you or I call a Healer.”

Spock felt as if the walls were closing in. “Mother. I listened to your disk.”

Amanda’s  expression softened. “Jim, would you give me a minute to talk to my son.”

Kirk stepped out and closed the door behind him.

Amanda sat down on the edge of his bed and looked expectantly at him. 

“How did the songs make you feel?”

“They made me realize  Pon Farr is not over.”

“I can see that. But how did they make you feel emotionally?”   


Spock turned away from his mother’s prying eyes. “They made me feel illogical emotions. Things I do not know. I--” He broke off, unsure of everything he was feeling. The burning of  pon farr was rising in him and his erection screamed to be the focal point of his thoughts. It was taking every ounce of energy he had to think. He wanted to touch himself, but he knew that touching himself would do nothing. Without a mental link there would be no release. And he had no real frame of reference. The only time he had ever been sexually active was on Omicron Ceti III. And the spores had impaired his thought process. 

Amanda gently pulled his head back towards her. “Look at me. Do you not realize what is happening? Why your emotions are so difficult to shield? Why you feel and hear your friend so closely?”

“ Pon Farr has returned.” He reiterated.

She shook her head. “You’re not seeing the big picture. What should have happened after you thought Kirk was dead?”

Spock looked at his mother blankly. “You mean what would have happened to most Vulcans?”

“Okay, yes.”

“I suppose if the shock of Kirk’s death had not caused an abatement of my symptoms, I would have mated with  T’Pring as was the right of my victor of the challenge.”

Amanda nodded. “Why do you think Kirk’s death caused an abatement in your symptoms?”

“It was a shock. He is my captain. And my best friend.”

“Why did he come with you to Vulcan?”

“To heal from his grief.”

“But why would he come to the planet that had been the cause of his near-death? Why would he choose to spend his vacation on Vulcan with its excessive (to humans) heat and gravity?”

“Because he is my friend.”

“There is another song I should have put on the disk, but I hurried.” She moved to his computer and the same singer began to sing again.

_Look at how he looks at her_   
_Will someone ever I look at me that way-_   
_Full of all the feelings and the soft_   
_Unspoken words that lovers say?_   
_I thought that I knew_ _ev'ry_ _single_   
_Look and sweet expression on his face_   
_Yet this is one that I don't recognize_   
_Although I've sat and studied him for hours_   
_But now I see how love completely occupies_   
_A pair of' eyes..._   
_See the way' they gaze at her_   
_Like slaves they follow_ _every where_ _she goes_   
_Do my eyes forget_ _themselves_   
_And do I ever look at him_   
_And smile in such a way_   
_That what I'm feeling shows?_   
_Sometimes I have the feeling_   
_Everybody knows..._

He could sense his mother was trying to tell him something. And a part of him knew what his mother was trying to say, but he couldn’t admit anything to her. He couldn’t even  ackno wl edge the feelings to himself.

Amanda stared at him and shook her head. “I think you’re still not connecting some dots. He can stay with you or I can call a Healer.”

Spock opened his mind to argue but the expression on her face made him close his mouth. “He can stay.”

He could see the pleasure in Amanda’s face. “Good,” she said with a touch of satisfaction. “Mother knows best.” She walked out the door. 

To his surprise Kirk did not come immediately in. Time seemed to pass and he was acutely aware of his accelerated heart rate, his rising body temperature, and the persistent arousal that overwhelmed his senses. He lost track of time. 

When Kirk did walk in the door , he felt a rush of emotions. Kirk’s eyes were full of concern and worry and affection. He could feel Kirk’s emotions wash over him. But there was something else. For a moment he could have sworn Kirk looked at him with desire. Surely , he was projecting his own sexual desire. Kirk stood by the door, and clasped one hand nervously with the other.

“You sure you won’t let me call Bones?”

Spock wasn’t sure if he was teasing him.

“I’d prefer that you not.”

Kirk went and sat down at Spock’s desk. “Your mother seems to think some provider should be called. Or something. I think I must surely have missed the last part of what she said to me. It was in Vulcan. But she acted like I’d understand it.”

That seemed unusual to Spock. But he noticed something in the way Kirk’s shoulders lay. Kirk was hiding something.

“What else did she say?”

The human looked at him with an expression that fit with what he’d heard humans refer to as “a deer in the headlights” look. “We’ll talk about it when you’re feeling better.”

Spock stared at his friend and tried to figure out which emotion was coming from himself and which was Kirk’s. Kirk was full of apprehension a nd hope. Hope for what? Spock couldn’t place the emotion and his own pulse echoed so loudly in his ears that he could not focus. His erection was painful. A part of him wished Kirk would leave. Leave him behind on Vulcan where he could hide away from these feelings. Leave him forever where he would not ever be able to know that right now, he wanted Kirk. Wanted him sexually and physically. And he did not want to lose his best friend. And what would his father say? Homosexual relationships logically could not produce offspring. But he knew his father must have realized that as a hybrid there was almost no chance Spock could have offspring. Spock had often wondered if that was part of what caused  T’Pring to look outside their betrothal. Besides, he’d never seen Kirk flirt with a man. 

Spock finally gained control of his thoughts for a moment. He realized Kirk was looking at him with a worried expression on his face. “Spock, you look awful. Let me call Bones.”

“Jim, please,” he whispered, realizing his own voice sounded weak and hoarse. He clenched his fists. A wave of nausea overcame him and he had no warning before he began to heave. Kirk was by his side in a second and had grabbed a waste basket and held it for Spock as he vomited the tea he’d drunk earlier. When Kirk laid a hand on his back the affection that bled through the contact turned into heat in Spock’s solar plexus. He tried to move away from Kirk but he continued to dry heave and the contact with Kirk’s hand continued. His heartbeat was echoing in his head so loudly that he could barely hear the sound of his own  retching . His vision seemed to blur. Spock was aware that Kirk was calling his name but it sounded very far away. He heard Kirk call for Amanda but the world went dark.

Spock awoke in his room. He knew time had passed, but had lost his internal sense of time. He felt feverish and nauseous, but the pain in his head was better. He realized he was not alone and as he scanned his  room , he was surprised to see not only Kirk and Amanda seated there, but his father was also present. Spock tried to lift his head but the movement caught Kirk’s eye. “Hey there, don’t get up. You scared the crap out of me.” Kirk had stood up and moved towards Spock’s side and started to reach out to him, but pulled his hand back awkwardly at the last moment.

Spock couldn’t find words to speak and his mouth was dry and still tasted of vomit.

His mother had also moved to his side and she did lay her hand on his shoulder. But she said nothing; she merely looked at him with affection. After a moment she held her two fingers out in the Vulcan manner and  Sarek came to her side and matched fingers. When  Sarek’s touched hers, Spock felt a surge of emotion. It astonished him to realize it was his father’s.

Sarek stared down at him and he could see the emotion in his father’s eyes. “I apologize,” Sarek said softly. Spock began to doubt he was conscious. It must be a dream. “I was wrong. We should never have bonded you as a child. You have endured more than could be expected.”   
  
For the first time Spock realized that Sarek had not felt shame when peers teased Spock. He’d felt pain and regret that his son suffered. “And I always should have let you pursue your own path. You are the best of both of us.” Sarek’s hand switched from two outstretched fingertips to holding Amanda’s in his whole hand in a decidedly human fashion. The affection between his parents radiated through him. Amanda’s hand was still on his shoulder and her lower body temperature felt cool.

“Spock, I am quite certain that the bond that Healer’s forced upon you as a child with  T’Pring replaced itself with another when your bond with her broke. Would you allow me to touch your thoughts?”

Spock felt a sense of panic. He did not want his father to see his thoughts. It took him two tries to find the capability to speak. “Father, my thoughts are very illogical. I have no mastery.” 

To his surprise,  Sarek did not seem to blame him. “Amanda,”  Sarek said softly. “Take Kirk to the living space.” It sounded like an order, but he could feel  Sarek’s affection through his mother.

Kirk flashed him a worried glance but went out the door with Amanda without a word.  Sarek sat on the bed beside Spock.

“You are in  Pon Farr, but not in  plak tow. You have amazing control for a Vulcan in  Ponn Farr. Much more than I have ever been able to maintain.”

His father’s admission shocked Spock. Sarek continued. “It is by definition, a loss of control. Neurotransmitters are in a balance that makes emotional and logical control nearly impossible. That you have continued functioning while in some state of  pon far for nearly a month is unheard of. You were able to speak coherently to your mother for most of the day today. I have never had such control.”

Spock stared at his father in shock. Sarek had barely warned him of  pon farr . Most of what he knew he’d heard from mocking Vulcan peers and from Vulcan warrior mythology literature which was full of sexual encounters. He realized that Sarek had never truly talked about anything related to sex before.

Sarek sat patiently by him and asked again, “Please let me touch your thoughts.”

Spock still hesitated. If he allowed himself to think, the only thing he could think of was how much his erection hurt. And how much the spot in his mind where the bond had been felt different. There was a sense of longing but it was confusing if he focused on it. He did not want his father to see such chaos, but he knew he needed help. His controls were gone.

He finally nodded. Sarek laid a hand against his face and touched the meld points. Even his father’s hand felt cool to him and Spock realized his fever must be significant. Sarek’s mind whispered in Vulcan  _ my mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts. _ For a moment Sarek just projected affection and pride in his son. It was so unlike anything Spock had ever felt from his father and he felt further overwhelmed. He was surprised to feel Sarek experience shame.  _ I never should have cut you off when you chose Starfleet. I wronged you. I ask for your forgiveness. _

Spock felt a surge of affection rise in him. He had been so sure his father would be disappointed in him.  Sarek reached mentally and touched the link spot. It hurt at first, and he realized  Sarek was acknowledging a torn bond and he could sense his father’s illogical  hatred of  T’Pring , even as  Sarek realized the illogic of the hatred and gained mastery and control over his feelings.  Sarek probed further and the broken edges vanished. There was another connection that had been trying to touch the damaged link.  Sarek smoothed the edges mentally and asked Spock to examine it. Spock knew what he would find before he did so. He was linked to Kirk. The shock of Kirk’s supposed death and their friendship and all the times they melded had somehow allowed him to join Kirk’s mind unconsciously. That was why he had felt Kirk’s emotions so much the last few weeks. He let his mind reach out and he could feel Jim’s worry and affection. He pulled back and  Sarek ended the meld.

“Father, can a Healer not undo the link?” he asked as the meld faded and  Sarek removed his cool fingertips from Spock’s face.

Sarek looked at him with a puzzled expression. “Why?”

Spock stared back  uncomprehendingly . “I formed a bond without his consent.”

Sarek shook his head. “Unlikely.”

Spock’s head hurt and his fever seemed to be rising. He wasn’t sure he was communicating clearly with his father. “I did not ask--”   
  
Sarek cut him off. “You do not always ask in words. I have never heard of a bond forming without the wishes of both parties. Even with a human mind, I do not believe you linked minds against his wishes.”

His father continued. “We saw you together on the Enterprise. Your friendship was  unmistakable .”

Spock felt like he was talking in circles. “He does not know what is involved. He could not know.”

This time  Sarek seemed to agree with him. “That is true. But I think he has an idea of what is involved. Your mother has been speaking with him.”

Spock remembered Jim’s evasive “we’ll talk about it when you’re feeling better” comment from earlier.

“Surely you do not approve of the link?” Spock asked his father.

“My son, I have truly done you a great disservice if you believe that I have so little respect for your choices. I have told you I was wrong for being displeased with you for joining  Starfleet . I respect your choices. Your mother and I have already accepted that there is a bond between you and Kirk.”

Spock was overwhelmed with the realization that his parents had already decided that he and Jim were bonded. “I have never seen him in a relationship with a male before,” he protested. And then he felt a sense of jealousy. “Perhaps he will not wish to be confined to the monogamy the bond will require.”

Sarek looked at him with something akin to a smile. “I would recommend you work those details out with him, rather than me. I will send him in.”

Spock panicked. He could not lose his best friend. He could not. His fever seemed to rise at the thought and his heart rate began to echo louder and louder but  Sarek was already gone before he could voice his feelings.

Kirk came in and sat down at the edge of Spock’s bed. He looked shyly at Spock. “ So , I understand we went and got hitched.”

Spock looked at him blankly; the words did not make sense to him. “Your parents told me we’re bonded. That’s why we keep sharing thoughts and feelings.”

Kirk did not seem averse to the idea. Surely , he did not understand what was involved.

“I’m sorry,” Spock apologized. “I did not--”

  
Kirk cut him off. “Sorry for what. You know I would do anything for you.”

“Even marry me?”

Kirk smiled, one of the smiles that had always warmed Spock. “I’ll admit I never thought about it much. I had secretly hoped that when the whole mess with  T’Pring ended that you’d come to my quarters and beg me to let you fuck me.” Spock found his body tremble at the thought of Kirk’s words. “But after a couple of days I felt silly for having thought about you like that when you obviously didn’t feel like that about me. And  so , I accepted it. Except here we are.” Kirk’s eyes seemed momentarily distracted. “I’ll be honest, the scariest part to me right now is that everyone I’ve ever loved seems to have died prematurely. I don’t want to lose you.

Spock tried to process the information and then still chose to fight it. “You have never shown interest in the male of any species.”   
  
Kirk looked at him squarely in the eye. “I’ll admit you’re the only one that has ever turned my head before.”

“Vulcan bonds are very binding. And Vulcan relationships are monogamous.”

  
“Good. Then, I don’t have to worry about competition.”

Spock found Kirk’s nonchalance alarming.

“You do not understand. I will hurt you.”

Kirk shook his head. “No you won’t. Your mother told me you can’t.”   
  
Spock looked at him blankly.

“Your parents are bonded. She’s been through this before with your father. She says everything he does to her, he feels exactly what she feels. He doesn’t hurt her, because that would hurt himself. And she can feel what he wants and needs”   
  
Spock’s eyes widened. He had never considered that his parents shared such an intense bond. He’d always assumed that his mother’s human brain meant for a weaker link than the bonds he’d read of in Vulcan mythology literature.

Kirk continued. “I can’t quite imagine. It sounds amazing. I mean, I’ve always tried to watch for cues that I was doing something right when I made love to someone, but to actually feel--” Kirk trailed off and this time Spock knew he was picking up on Kirk’s desire mixing with his own. Could Jim really want this? Could he really be picking a human/Vulcan hybrid male over all the beautiful women he’d been with in the past?

Spock still fought the idea. “What about  Starfleet ?”

Kirk’s face fell and for a minute Spock felt a rush of abandonment and fear. “You don’t want this.” Kirk said it flatly, not as a question and Spock felt a surge of panic at the hurt in Kirk’s voice.

“I do,” Spock whispered. “More than anything. But I feel--”

Kirk pulled  Spock’s hand to his face. “Meld with me. Let me really feel.”

Spock never had been able to disobey Kirk. He had barely pressed his fingers against Kirk’s cool skin when he felt the link rush open. He could feel Kirk’s affection and now he realized that Kirk’s hope had been that Spock would want him. He realized his mother had wanted him to see the link was already there. He opened his mind and let Kirk feel his confusion and his fears. He lowered what traces of mental shields he had left and let his overwhelming desire flow. He was startled that Jim was able to project his desire back to him. The bond was strengthening and when Kirk moved Spock’s fingers from his face gently, the link did not break. Kirk leaned in and kissed him. His lips were gentle and cool for a moment and then Kirk was pulling him down beside him. Kirk’s tongue touched his lips demanding access and when Kirk’s tongue touched his he could feel what his much hotter tongue felt like to Jim. The rush of sensations and feelings was strengthening. His mother had been right.

Then Kirk was pulling off his clothes and kissing him behind each ear. His arousal was demanding attention. He was desperate to take control back and the demands of  pon farr let him use his superior strength. He flipped their position placing Kirk beneath him and for a moment he had to pause because the thrill and arousal that elicited in the human filled his solar plexus with more warmth than he could process. 

Suddenly Spock lost track of all thought process. Things became a blur of desire and emotion. His mental process seemed to stop and he only knew that whatever movement he made Jim met him there, strong, supporting, and loving. As he entered Kirk in the most intimate way  possible, the bond ignited and solidified. Spock knew that it was now a permanent bond, one that was mutually entered into and the love he felt flowing through the bond was the most wonderful feeling in the world.

After he ejaculated, Spock felt his brain chemistry even out. He could feel the presence of Kirk’s mind still merged with his. He also felt a sense of calm and peace, more so than he had ever felt at any time in his life. He lay down beside Kirk who was smiling at him with such affection that Spock could barely process it. Jim’s face was flushed and his lips were swollen. Kirk pulled him into his arms radiating contentment. Then Kirk smiled a predatory smile. “We don’t have to wait 7 years again, do we?”

“No, we do not have to wait.” How was he already getting hard again? How did Jim elicit such feelings in him when he knew that this time he was much more in control of his thoughts and feelings? Kirk had lifted himself up and he looked deep into Spock’s eyes. The image he projected made Spock involuntarily moan. “No one has ever--” he began, but Kirk cut off his words with a deep kiss. As Jim’s tongue twirled around his  own , he began to consider that it was going to be very difficult to return to work. He was going to spend all day thinking about being in Jim’s arms. Kirk suddenly broke the kiss off and looked at Spock with a smirk and then with no warning took Spock’s erection into his mouth. The warmth and the intimacy of it took Spock’s breath away. He could feel Jim fight the sensations himself.  _ Shit, Spock _ , Kirk thought.  _ I can feel what you’re feeling and I can practically cum right this second _ .

Kirk dug the nails of his fingers into his palm to distract himself. It helped distract Spock too as he felt Kirk focus on the slight discomfort in his hand. Then Kirk seemed to have regained control and he began to suck Spock deeper with each bob of his head and he moved himself until his own erection was rubbing on Spock’s leg. They each felt what the other was feeling. It was intense. Spock could hear Kirk’s thoughts that nothing in his sexual experience compared to this; to being able to feel what everything was like for both partners. It was true intimacy. Spock had nothing of substance to compare it to, but he felt an echo of one of the songs his mother had given him and thought that no matter what happened it would never be the same anymore. And that was a good thing!

As he and Kirk came together and collapsed in each other’s arms he decided that both his parents had truly known best.


End file.
